Maybe….Disappointment. Devastation.

Cancellation. Frustration. 

After waiting four months for my appointment to hopefully get answers from a physician – or least reassurance – for this rapid beating heart, it was cancelled five days before the trip to Denver National Jewish Health. 

I lost it.  Cried on the phone with the scheduler.  Ugly cry and how can this be?  The next new patient appointment available with that doctor on the south side of Denver is in July.  I really did say, “so if I continue to have this high heart rate and have a heart attack, who should we notify?”  Ugly words.  

She SLOWLY offered an appointment in downtown Denver as “first available” five weeks from now. Five Weeks.  At 9:30 in the morning.  Through Denver rush hour.  We will have to leave at 6:00 to make it for sure.  No anxiety or increased in heart rate from that?  Sarcasm drips readily.  

For our two weeks in Colorado, it has been very busy cleaning the house, yard, and adjusting to less oxygen.  Frequent breaks, naps and long nights asleep to adjust.  I can walk to the park.  A walk I used to do in 20 minutes, now takes 40 minutes.  But the cardiologist says “you have the heart of a 40 year old in a 65 year old body.  

My resting heart rate has increased 20 points in Colorado at night. My spikes to 115-140 beats per minute are daily if I DO ANYTHING. Exercise, gardening, walking at slow pace or cleaning all have the same effect.  The heart beats at 100 plus for up to 6 hours after the spike. Yet, it can only be seen on exertion.  At altitude mostly.  

I must say, after four months in Texas, I was having the same issue, just not as high, and not as long to recover.  And the resting heart rate was below 70 Beats per minute.  

So I will walk as normal.  I will keep 911 on speed dial.  I will hike reasonably at a slower pace for an older woman.  But I will no longer let this situation control my life.  I had no idea I had such hope for this appointment that was cancelled. I had lost my hope in Christ and placed it in medicine.  That was a disaster.  

I will no longer live in fear.  I will live in love for as long as God gives me time.  All the other illnesses (four cancers, broken back, breast implant illness, dietary restrictions, and surgeries) have been ones of a limited treatment duration but long term affects. 

I was told by my friend and oncologist, the heart condition is probably as a result of a 36 year old treatment along with 25 year old radiation to the area and a heart affecting deadly chemo drug.  But at least I lived.  And that is what I need to do again.  Live. 

This heart issue has been going on for three years with little to no help except for a medicine for anti anxiety. Really.  In 2023, that is it.  “It is caused by stress.”  I am retired, in a loving relationship with little trauma or worries, and the only thing you can do is treat me for stress? 

What I have realized is that there is a fear issue of sudden heart attack.  Fear.  After cancer treatment, after depression, after abuse, I can be controlled by fear. Still. 

The evil one speaks into my ear, “you are not worthy of this man.  you are not worthy to still be alive.  you are not worthy to live fully.  you will stay stuck in this abandonment, anger and disappointment for the rest of your life.”

No.  “Perfect love casts out fear.”  “I came to give you life abundantly.”  “Out of you will flow springs of living water.”  The scriptures continue to give me hope.  Reduce despair. Cancel devastation. Comfort and console me.  

God where are you in this silence?  Have I not sought your guidance in life?  What transition am I facing?  If I have to leave Colorado to feel better, what does that mean for my family, parents, and husband?  

Why would I live here if I cannot walk and hike?  Walking in those mountains, listening to the streams, and feeling the thin air makes me come alive.  If I have to just look at the beauty from afar, never hear the mountain streams again, and die from a fast racing heart, at least I will have lived fully.  My identity is not where I live or what I do.  My identity is as a child of God.  Beloved. Cherished.  

God has walked this path from the beginning with me.  He has shown me His reality through experiences that are wondrous and miraculous.  He has been in the dark places of wanting to die from illness, pain and sadness. What can I do?  Walk bravely, without fear, expect complete and complex healing, and show His goodness in how I live.  How I treat others.  How I treat myself.  Blessed be Your name. 


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